Too Soon for HBD!

“Owning your feelings and your truth.” A simple yet positive vibe that makes me feel empowered (insert power pose) and definitely aligns with my beliefs. Well, I can’t just talk about it…I have to own it through my thoughts and actions.  So, here it is…my truth…deep breath. Turning 36 feels f***ed up and completely terrifying. Besides the intimidating number, (technically speaking, in the world of math, my age rounds up to 40 and in dog years I’m pretty much dead), I’m just not ready. Literally, where has the time gone? I’m a single mom of two with so many more goals and aspirations. It feels like I’m on life’s treadmill. The longer I run, the more tired I get, and eventually I’m going to tap out. Do I have the time and stamina to get to my personal and professional destinations? Wait. Please hold….ok, rewind. The world keeps inserting its expectations and definitions into my thoughts. It’s so easy to let this noise cloud our beliefs. Inside of me is a person waiting to fully emerge. But, in order to successfully do this, I have to spend less of my priceless time focusing on what I could be by cherishing the life I currently have, my truth.

Aren’t we all looking for peace within ourselves; the moment when we can comfortably stop the treadmill and retire to pure greatness, queendom. We want to be the architects for the lives we love, nourish our passions, and walk off that treadmill with no regrets.  For the rest of this year, I’m making a promise to work on staying more present and enjoying the now. I’m proud of who I’am. Why shouldn’t I be. I’m accomplished, a bada** mamma, a good person, a beloved daughter/sister/auntie/friend, always aspiring to be better than yesterday, aka Amber. This is what it looks like to reject the boxes created and recreated for us. Some days are better than others, so we have to constantly put our own selves in check until we no longer have to. This is my life, my path, my choices, my losses, and my gains. I’m feeling right where I should be. Getting older means valuing my odyssey and being true to myself at all costs. This year, getting older means learning to release my fears and enjoy the marathon. 

““Brown down, break through, break the shell, elevate, and fly.” – India Arie

The Genesis

The Genesis

I am…an all-girl high school graduate, empowered to project my voice within a world of male dominance. “Aspire to be a doctor, lawyer, or entrepenuer,” they drilled into me. “Women can achieve the same success as men.” So, I became a feminist. Not a mis’andrist but simply a feminist. I am an advocate for social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men.

After escaping the bubble wrap I was enveloped in and heading off to college, ready to run the world, I decided to reinvent myself. Well, not so much of a reinvention but more like a remix. Why not? I was still exploring the depths of myself and there was so much more unclaimed territory. At this time, naive and I were the best of friends. I only saw the good in people and managed to dodge more dark clouds than most. I was a bubbly eighteen-year-old, floating down life’s runway.

Itching to express my creativity and passion for film, I strutted into Norris Theater with my coffee colored, vintage Gucci backpack and felt fitted. I studied the phenomenal works of Micheaux, Hitchcock, and Coppola, to name a few. Soon, I found myself entranced with the powers of a camera and a well-executed script. I would from that point on, proudly wear my appreciation and fascination with cinema-television, everywhere life would take me. Perhaps a doctor, lawyer or entrepenuer were better suited for my other cohorts. I preferred to project my voice through my analysis and self-expression of art, whether it be film, television, fashion, music, or beauty. I am a storyteller (through various outlets), lover of fashion not style, music is my therapist, and I fancy the thought of cutting edge makeup to enhance my personal canvas.

Three years later, upon commencement, I was soon forced to add more to this remix. I unexpectedly toddled into parenthood feeling concerned, young, and completely unprepared. Being a “mommy” just wasn’t mentioned in college, or any of my private high school classes and I’m pretty sure that agreement was written in the fine print below the price of tutition. With a great support system and thirteen years of experience under my multicolored leather Louis Vuitton belt, I am a proud mom of two of the sweetest mini people I have ever met.

So, what’s the next part of the remix? How do I combine who I am…an educated, creative, soul who my kids refer to as mom, and further explore the rest of who I am meant to be, without neglecting any of the above? At this point, I’m still working on an answer. However, having a place to voice my ideas, frustrations, concerns and daily rewards along the way, is one reason this blog was born. I’m not looking for approval from anyone; just a place to continue expressing who I am and where I am going. You coming?