Straight, No Chaser

Remember that giant overwhelming mound of impossible daily tasks? An endless list of ta-dah’s you were put on Earth to conquer. A mental or physical checklist that always seemed to grow and only temporarily managed to shrink. We all know that list. Well…believe it or not, I’m missing every bit of it. My brain keeps searching, but the file is currently unavailable. Similarly to my Instacart order when I proceed to checkout, but I won’t venture off on that tangent. Maybe it’s the sense of purpose it gave me or the freedom it provided me to run  errands and rush to appointments, but without it, I’m feeling a little lost. Furthermore, I am longing for the adrenaline of getting out the house by a certain time every morning, interactions with familiar and unfamiliar humans, sitting in traffic, evening soccer practices, fiddling with my navigation to get from point A to point B, exploring LA nightlife, planning trips that I wasn’t forced to cancel, entering the grocery store without suiting up for battle, knowing that the people closest to me were generally safe, face-to-face conversations, hugs, connection— the list goes on and on. Living a life I took for granted by finding reasons to complain now seems so beautifully flawed. What I wouldn’t give to freely leave my house without questioning if a quick trip outside could put me in the hospital or even worse. Where are we!? I don’t know the day, date, or time, heck, I don’t even know if this is even Earth. I don’t recognize this new normal.

With the overabundance of information I’ve consumed from the news, social media tidbits, friends and family experts, and a heightened number of emails and Zooms to manage; my mind, body, and soul has been forced to forge on and process the now, while I simultaneously mourn the days I failed to compliment. This is all exhausting! At first, it sounded like a temporary pause, but the uncertainty communicates an unknown timeline. One that creates anxiety and major disruption which are both hard to shake. I find myself wearing many faces and emotions. Some days I do less. Some nights I can’t fall asleep. Some days I can’t stay awake. One minute I’m bonding with my family, and the next I’m feeling claustrophobic by their presence. But, I’m trying to remind myself, there are no rules to this. No one was prepared for a pandemic. We thought the closest we might get would be the movie version. But, here we are.

More than ever our interconnectedness is evident as we rely on each other for more than we took the time to acknowledge. Not only did I overlook the parts of my life that made it feel more whole, but the people who helped make those parts possible. Work; my home away from home, and the students and colleagues I rushed to be with every morning. Family; the little humans that I would hurriedly leave at 7:30 a.m. and speed to at 3:00 p.m. Our heroic essential workers; the glue holding us together through this living nightmare. We need each other in this game of life. 

Life Lesson #13,140: As we slowly regain a sense of normalcy, let these moments be a reminder that life is meant to be lived. There will be a constant parade of feelings; some will be absolutely amazing and others won’t. But, we need both to appreciate the uniqueness that each day brings.  So, acknowledge all of your feelings. I’m privileged to stay home, but I’m also feeling stretched thinner than ever by being everything to everyone. Besides assuming the roles of the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker all at once, there IS a silvery sparkly lining. While many have lost their jobs and/or loved ones and health care workers continue showing up to dangerous and grueling job sites, I remain in the comfort of my abode safe and sound. Using gratitude to cope, may be the strongest medicine we have as we await for the power switch to turn back on. 

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